Sorry, Steve Jobs, but I hate your effing iPhone. No offense.
My boyfriend, Mike, says it is because I am jealous that he has one and I don't, but after some real soul searching, I realized that just isn’t the case. I am pretty sure I know what the “i” in iPhone stands for, and that is 'ignore'. It stands for ignore your girlfriend, ignore your job, ignore everything else that is going on around you while you gingerly caress the new love of your life. However, although annoying, it turns out that still isn’t the main issue.
I thought the iPhone was cool… at first… for a few minutes, and then I went back to living my life. I have discovered that Mike, however, has taken on a new "i" dentity. He is bursting with the pride of being an early-adopter, the possessor of a fabulous man-gadget. But most importantly, what I have discovered is that he is now the proud owner of a brand-new, shiny second penis, courtesy of your folks over at Apple. What follows is my theory and the accompanying research.
Mike and I have been together for two-and-a-half years, and over that time we have become pretty familiar with each other’s anatomy. After watching him care for his penis for two years, and then watching him with his iPhone, I have realized that the two are, for all intents and purposes, one and the same. When I explained to Mike that he acts like the iPhone is basically an extension of his penis, he even looked a little guilty and sheepish before he rolled his eyes, and so I knew that I hit the nail on the head. He treats both items the exact same way. He is actually sometimes even a little bit nicer to the iPhone, not because he loves it more, but because it the newer of his two penises. He is so careful with it, and never goes anywhere without it, and he even checks it every couple of hours or so through his jeans to make sure it is still there, just like his original penis. And, just like his original penis, his iPhone also tells him the answers to all of life’s questions. It tells him what to do and where to go, and he can even use one to service the other, accessing pocket-sized porn at the touch of a button.
Many guys might enjoy having two penises, so just as a community service, I am here to tell you that, for $399, you can buy one. An extra penis of your very own. Just don’t expect your girlfriend to swoon.
And it isn’t just my boyfriend who acts this way about his iPhone. When we were watching the Broncos game last week at Hooters (what?) I asked where one of the players went to college. Before he even put his hot wing down, Mike whipped out his proverbial second penis and began touching the front of it, slowly at first, and then with more fervor. And, just as if it were a real penis, people began staring at it. They were whispering to their friends and wives…they were saying “look at that, that guy has one of those second penises…and he is caressing it right here in front of us at Hooters. I need to get me one of those. Only $399 for a second penis.”
And it even started a chain reaction. In typical men’s-locker-room fashion, the other men who were lucky enough to have them began pulling out their second penises so that they could be part of the show. Why should my boyfriend get all of the attention when they had two penises too?
Completely embarrassed, I made Mike put it back in his pants.
So, Steve Jobs, I am sorry to say that I will not be purchasing one of your iPhones. While I truly appreciate the opportunities that having even one penis would provide me, (making more than 75 cents on the dollar, for starters) I will stick with my little flip phone and allow my boyfriend to be the big strong man, the owner of all of the penises in our relationship. At least until it comes out in pink.